Saturday, January 15, 2011

Boyfriend is out with the boys tonight so I finally got around to making a massive picture dump on Facebook.  Of course that got me started looking at old pictures and then old videos and it just  hit me how fast the past year really has flown by.  A year ago today, Boyfriend and I (7 months pregnant) were visiting Las Vegas for the first time.  We wanted to take one last vacation before Baby came and our family dynamic changed forever.

I know that everyone says time flies when you have a kid, but you can never fully understand until you have a kid how quickly your life will pass you by.  My Facebook feed is bursting with people having babies and I just want to yell and scream at them to enjoy every single second of their infant because no matter how hard you grasp at those moments, they just slip through your fingers like sand on the beach.

As much as I love how independent Baby is, I really feel like I got a shorter infanthood than most.  By six weeks, she refused to be held in a cradle position and had to be sitting up so that she could could look around and participate in the conversation.  She stopped falling asleep on us and would only sleep if she was in her bassinet or in the bed, but not on us.  Tonight though, while we were taking a shower, I picked her up to wash her hair and she just laid her head on my shoulder and fell asleep instantly.  It was a warm, cuddly, sweet moment and I just didn't want it to end.  I stood there slowly swaying to keep her asleep as long as possible, I stood there until the water started going cold. 

I feel like I'm already going crazy with nostalgia for earlier times, yet I don't want to miss out on what is happening right now.  At some point in my pregnancy, I read to never wish time away, no matter how hard it might be at the time.  I've tried to live by that-when I felt like she was nursing for hours straight (and often in reality she was) I would think to myself that it wouldn't always be that way.  Now, our nursing sessions are maybe 5 minutes, but often I feel like I'm just a trip though the drive thru.  A quick snack to tide her over until her next big meal.  I actually miss the middle of the night wakings (of course, only when I'm fully rested) when it would be just the two of us in the dark, quiet house. 

I already feel the pains of regret for not having enough pictures, enough videos.  We have not taken enough family photos, there are not enough photos of the two of us.  I only have maybe 5 photos of me breastfeeding her, and I regret not having more.  Nursing has been such a fundamentally life changing experience and it is odd to me that I didn't document it more.  I think often while nursing her to ask Boyfriend to take a picture of us, but I always make excuses.  My hair looks like crap, I look tired, usually some excuse about the way I look.

I try to just live in every moment with her, with Boyfriend.  I find myself not able to sleep during family nap time because I am too busy soaking the moments in.  I try to memorize every detail of her and how she is now.  How her hair smells, the pressure of her tiny body next to mine, the way she squeezes my finger in her sleep, the pause in her breath while she is dreaming.  I etch into my mind the way she slowly opens her eyes from a nap and looks around for a few moments and then locks eyes with me.  She immediately smiles and pops up to play.  She is unbelievably happy baby and I just want to remember it all.

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