Saturday, August 13, 2011

Amazingly Perfect

When trying to think of words to describe her that would pinpoint exactly how amazingly perfect she was, I couldn't come up with any others because those two words, while overused often, are exactly what she was. 

One year ago, my sweet friend and her husband lost their one year old daughter.  Her death affected and changed me forever.  I can say without hesitation that I think of her every single day.  While not my own personal loss, knowing that the universe took away such as special being hurts my heart and soul so deeply.

When I learned of her death, I was out of town without Baby and I just ached to hold her in my arms, to smell her sweet skin.  When I did finally arrive home and hugged her tighter than I ever had before I felt guilty that she was there and my friend was never going to be able to hold her daughter.  It just wasn't/isn't fair.

I have lived my life differently since her death.  It is the little things I've noticed.  When I have a car near me weaving in and out of traffic and speeding, instead of annoyance (or possibly slowing down a bit in a touch of road rage) I get out of their way.  I think about my friend's family driving to the hospital and how fast they might have been going to reach their destination- I don't know the erratic car's story and if it was a similar situation I only would want them to arrive to their family members faster.

I've always been big on making sure that the last words said when parting with my loved ones are, "I love you" but I spend just a few more moments before taking their touch in.  In the mornings when I leave I kiss each of Baby's cheeks, I stroke her hair, as much as I try not to, if I wake her it is ok because I've learned you can never take the moments together for granted.

I tend to believe that things happen for a reason, I can even justify and understand my own father's early death.  I can not and will not ever understand why this happened.  My friend while small, radiates love and joy, her husband a literal gentle giant.  There isn't one person who deserves to lose their child but loss like that shouldn't happen to such genuinely good people.

My heart is sad and broken, more so with remembrance of an anniversary.  I can't stop thinking of my friends and just hope that they, along with their son and the rest of the family have as much peace possible remembering their amazingly perfect daughter.


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