Thursday, February 21, 2013

I feel like my life is still on hold.  Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what they thought was going to be my final blood draw that would finally show that all levels of the pregnancy hormone was gone and I am considered in the clear.

Sadly that wasn't the case, I still have an elevated HCG count meaning not everything has cleared out if you get what I mean.  The levels were very low though so no additional measures are going to be taken at this point-if two weeks from now I still have the same level I will go through a procedure to complete the process but I really would like to avoid that.

It frustrates me.  I'm mad at my body.  I'm raging angry at my Mirena (which is in some dumpster by now with other medical "byproducts" where it belongs).  I still don't *feel* normal.  I'm still bone tired most days but I have noticed some days are a lot better than others.  It could be psychological but all the same, physically I am being impacted.

The other day Boyfriend, innocently made a joke that he wasn't sure if I was just not my normal self because everything isn't physically complete or if I'm just riding out sympathy for as long as possible.  I wish that I was abusing the situation and pretending to not feel well.  I wish that I didn't feel off in my own body.

I did talk to my doctor about it and she said it was totally normal and that it will take some time to get back to normal.  She said first my body is dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, but now at this point my body is still working to level out from going from non hormonal birth control and all of that combined can cause the extreme fatigue.

Mentally, I'm ready.  I'm ready to feel complete again.  I'm ready to feel like I have the energy to get off the couch and have a tickle/wrestle fest with my daughter.   Emotionally, I feel like I need to take charge of my body since I lost control of it a month ago.  I just wish that I wasn't so tired the only thing I physically feel capable is moving from the couch to the bed. 

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