Friday, February 8, 2013

Bullet Point Update

This has been the longest two weeks of my life.  Boyfriend wrote his side and I want to get mine out there but I don't really know how to so here is me vomiting all of my feelings, in bullet points.

*Getting pregnant when you think there is no chance beyond .1% is really, really emotionally confusing.

*I feel guilty and almost shameful that I got pregnant when very actively trying to not get that way when so many women so desperately try everything under the sun to get that way.

*Once I got over the whole "Holy shit I'm pregnant" it took me .5 seconds to get excited.  First about pregnancy and call me crazy-but labor, but most importantly about Baby's younger sibling.

*About a week into our new adventure, I could tell it was not going to end how we wanted it to.   That is a despairingly frustrating experience.   Knowing that I was going to miscarry/was miscarrying? but yet there hadn't been an official "diagnosis" drove me insane.  I hated that I knew without a doubt that it was going to end in heartache but I just couldn't be that blunt with my husband.  So pretending that there was hope was heavy on my heart.

*Once I was told I was officially losing my baby, I felt that I didn't really have a right to feel sad since I didn't really want the pregnancy in the first place.  I know this is illogical but between hormones and the already confusing situation my feelings didn't make much sense.

*Physically my body still thinks it is pregnant so that is no fun either.  I still feel every symptom all the same and that can really mess with your mind as well.  I'm ready for this to be over.

Even with all of that said, I'm glad I am going through this.  I think almost everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes a really long time to be able to look back in reflection and know what that reason was.  I know already-Boyfriend and I were very, very torn on if a second child was right for our family and after losing one, we realized that our family wasn't complete without another set of feet running around, causing us sleepless nights and magnified joy. 

Also, it is the hard times when you realize just how much love and support we have around us.  I was shocked by the outpouring of support and encouragement we were given by our family and chosen family and I feel so blessed.

8 comments:

  1. So... I am months behind on my blog reading, and just now reading what you've been going through. I know that words cannot heal, but time and prayers can. Hopefully by now the healing has begun and you can focus your heart and soul on the blessings you have and the future you have yet to know. Gods blessings to you and your family :)

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