Monday, August 12, 2013

Let's Be Real

After I had baby, combined with the fact that I only gained 26 pounds and the power of breastfeeding, not only did I lose the entire 26 pounds I had gained, I added another 20 onto that right away.  To say I was feeling good about myself is an understatement-I had just had a baby and I was the smallest I had been since high school. tiny waist.  Nobody was asking me when I was due-which is still a common occurrence now despite the fact that I am definitely not pregnant.  Anyway, life got in the way, Baby weaned and back came the 20 pounds that I had lost so I am sitting back at my prepregnancy weight again.

I actually care nothing about the number I weigh,  just how I feel about myself.  I have a lot of mental dialog going back and forth.  If I were to write down my thoughts over the course of the week, it might look like this:

"I feel so big today, nothing fits"

"Huh, I actually am feeling great today.  I can fit in my skinny jeans."

"Whoops, shouldn't have shoved my stomach into those skinny jeans, now I have had to tell two people that I am not pregnant, just have a lot of stomach overflowing in the waist area."

"I wish my stomach didn't blanket Boyfriend's hand when he cuddles me."

"I am just fine the way I am!"

And I do believe that, I am just fine the way I am.  I know I'm not borderline obese, despite what my BMI states (I don't think it accounts for 20 pounds in boobs).  I know that I don't *need* to lose weight.  And I don't really care if I were to gain another 10 pounds.  I just want to feel good about myself, I want to stop feeling like if I just took action I would be back to where I was four months after having a baby.

And this is where I have to be real with myself.  I get onto Boyfriend that actions speak so much more volume that words, and I need to hold myself to that.  If I really cared as much as I think I do, then I would take action.  I would be more active, I would stop eating pure junk, I would make the changes that aligned with my beliefs.

And when I get real, truly, honestly real, I am just lazy.  And I don't care as much as I think I do.  But I want to, and I don't see any reason why I have to be that way.

I'm not saying I'm going to start working out every day, or stop eating food deemed bad for you (because another thing to be real about, food is damn good and I'm not giving up the best parts of it).  I just want to start being more active, I want to set an example for Baby that being active is just part of life.  I don't want to succumb to eating donuts for breakfast because it is quick and cheap because I was too lazy to grab something at home that is a better choice.

So tomorrow is a fresh start.  And if I don't do anything tomorrow, I don't need to do my regular, "well this week is a bust" and try again the next day.  This mindset I want to change, it is a forever thing and I have the rest of my life to figure it out and keep trying.  Tomorrow is just day one. 


  1. i do the same thing. ohh this week i suck let me eat whatever i want mindset. it's so hard to just stay on track!

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