Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Time I Farted in Yoga

Remember last week how I declared that the next day was going to be a fresh start?  Well you know what I did that very next morning?  I stopped at McDonalds and enjoyed a cold, refreshing Diet Dr. Pepper and hashbrowns shaped like an oversized pill capsule.  Feeling slightly guilty that I was not listening to my internal desires, I also ordered a fruit and yogurt parfait trying to pick something on the "lighter" side.  I ate it quickly and immediately just beat myself up over my lack of self control-even when I was placing the order I knew I didn't want to do it but I still did.  
The rest of the week I struggled with what goals I really wanted to work towards and how I needed to change my mindset.  I had purchased a Groupon for Bikram Yoga and decided that after my introduction class, I was officially going to work towards living the lifestyle I felt proud of.

For whatever reason, yoga has always symbolized peace and acceptance and it just seemed natural to start my journey of healthy living-not dieting, practicing yoga.  I have practiced on and off for the last year-going to usually one class a week, sometimes more.  I have never done Bikram before and even though I thought I was prepared, I definitely was not.

Monday was my first class, I woke up bright and early at 5:15 to take my first class.  I went and was surprised by the lack of sweat I produced.  I was definitely hot, and maybe even moist-but looking at everyone else's towels on the ground they were so soaked that you could make it rain if you twisted the towel.  The class was difficult and I did hurt my shoulder a tiny bit trying to twist it in a way my body didn't want to but I felt really pleased with my first class.

I walked out feeling so proud of myself!  I had a pep in my step until 3:00 when I started to hit the wall at work, but overall content.  I slept like a baby and told Boyfriend I was going to take the evening class so I didn't have to get up so early the next morning.

Last night, a couple of hours before the class I started to become very concerned.  I realized that maybe I was able to take the class so well because it was the first class of the day-the room hadn't had a chance to heat up as much as the last class where it stayed consistently above 100 degrees.  

When walking into class and setting up my mat, I thought, " isn't really hotter than before.  I think I will be ok!"  I started out strong, I was all one with myself, checking myself out in the mirror and feeling like a rockstar.  Then during my first move on the floor, in all its glory, a little toot escaped.

Now I am almost positive not one other person heard it, or if they did they were polite and ignored it.  But that was just the start of the slope I started to slide down until class was over.  I started to overheat and felt like I was going to throw up.  I was making my own towel drenched in sweat, dripping out the 100 ounces of water I had consumed during the day to stay hydrated.  Each time I bent down, sweat dripped into my eyes and nose, causing me to tear up and choke on my sweat.

I lost it half way into class. I decided I was giving up on my goal, screw Bikram.  I made attempts to start the postures with the class, but each time I was only able to participate 10 seconds before I knew if I went further it would be a lot more than an innocent toot projecting from my body.
I didn't want to leave the class though so I just laid in corpse pose, feeling like I really was on the brink of death.  I was frustrated with how overwhelmingly hot I was and I just wanted to leave.  Every ounce of my clothing on my body felt like it was strangling me and I then realized why all the other girls were wearing the equivalent of modest bikinis.

At the end of class, the instructor made a comment that we were to enjoy the last few minutes of meditation, that we worked so hard for that moment.  I sat there angry that I had let the heat get to me.  I knew that my new lifestyle was going back to the old and that I was giving up.

This morning, even though I had declared to Boyfriend I was done and not going back, I packed something to wear for class tonight-just in case.  Through the day today, I have been mentally preparing myself and finally I made the commitment to stick with what I really want-to feel like I have accomplished something.

Even if that accomplishment is only staying in the room for the full 90 minutes in corpse position, I am going accept that.  I am going to feel proud about it.  Not because I can stay in a blazing torture room for an hour and a half, but because I am finally trying to put my desire to be healthy first over what is easier.

I am still undecided about if Bikram will be for me.  I want it to be, mentally I like the concept and I appreciate that I will be able to see my growth since the classes are consistent.  Regardless though, I am sticking with it for 30 days and then I will decide if it is or not.  If it isn't, I'll just try something new until I finally figure out what is for me.  Because this time time, I really am going to change.

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