Monday, March 30, 2015

Breaking Down in Walmart Dressing Rooms

Earlier this week on my way to work, as I do most mornings, I stopped to get my morning caffeine.  Typically I will stop at McDonalds and get a $1 Diet Dr. Pepper but that morning I was especially tired as I am still very much in survival mode (nope the baby still isn't sleeping).  I popped into Starbucks and got an iced latte, extra shot of espresso and started my hour commute to work.
About five minutes away from work, my magic juice was starting to pep me up I noticed my cup was forming condensation.  As I was holding it, a couple drips fell off the cup into my lap which caused me quite the pause.  Now normally I don't think I have ever noticed this before but oddly enough I had actually felt the cool little beads of water as they dripped down my skin.  
With absolute horror, I reached down between my legs and shockingly felt not only my inner thigh, but I could feel that the ENTIRE crotch of my pants was missing.  Now I have a better picture to illustrate this but to avoid my blog getting hits for crotchless pants pictures-here is just a sample:

This picture honestly doesn't do the situation justice.  Let's just say there was nothing left from about two inches down both thighs, from below the zipper and all the way to the bottom of my butt.  At this point, I'm across the street from my entry to work but obviously that wasn't going to happen.

I'm mentally cursing my dog (as he was the only devilish one to get me into this situation) and start to panic because going home wasn't an option. As I mentioned, my commute isn't a short one-the roundtrip would take over two hours.  It was so early (I start work at 7:00 am) that I also knew my beloved Target wouldn't be open for another hour.  Luckily, there is a small Walmart that opened recently and I thought surely I could find something there that would do.

I don't frequent Walmart but know they have everything so when I walked in (with a sweater tied strategically around my waist) and saw that the clothing section was *tiny* I freaked out a bit.  I wear a very odd size of pants (big belly, no butt) so in general pants shopping is one of my least favorites, with a limited section I felt like I was screwed. 

Somehow I managed to enter some new Walmart prototype with only a few racks of women's clothing with over 60% of it being athletic wear.  My work is causal, but not that casual.  To add on complications-I had an obligation to attend to immediately following work so I had to look semi presentable.

I walked feverishly from front to back of the women's section seeing nothing that would work, with each trip hoping there would be more options magically appearing.  After three laps (that took all of 60 seconds) I settled on a pair of jeggings and a floor length skirt.

The next part of my story is where my mental decline really starts.  There was only one fitting room stall for each gender and both were locked.  I looked for someone to open it for me, awkwardly walking ensuring that my sweatshirt didn't lose coverage and make me a candidate for People of Walmart.  I finally found the Manager on duty but of course she didn't have a key to open the door for me.  She said she would page someone to come open it and left me standing there awkwardly next to the "sexy" underwear section.  The irony was not lost on me.

As I stood there and waited over 15 minutes for someone to come, I considered crawling under the doors but knew the moment I did that the key holder would appear just in time to see me and my crotchless pants in all their glory.  Finally someone who seemed as though they were just woken from a nap and very annoyed came and opened the door for me.

I ripped off the offending pants, trying on the floor length skirt first.  Unfortunately my 62 inches of stature left nearly a foot caressing the ground so that wouldn't work.  I side eyed the jeggings folded on the built in seat, and while I was desperate, I wanted to pretend I wasn't that desperate.  You see, these jeggings weren't just any jeggings-they were nude colored. The kind of pants that made People of Walmart famous:

To be fair, the reason I temporarily considered them was because they weren't actually leggings-there was quite a bit of texture and they were several shades darker than my skin (being pale working in my favor here!) but once I got them on, I just looked in the mirror and had a breakdown.

The pants themselves "fit" but they were offensively tight-as in I would feel more comfortable wearing my crotchless pants than these in public.  By this time, I was already nearly 45 minutes late to work and with no options I thought to myself, "I'm going to have to call into work because my dog ate my pants."  

I sat on that little half bench in my tighter than skin jeggings and shed a few tears over how I was going to have to waste an entire day of vacation over this stupid episode.  I chastized myself-how in the world did I not notice?!  And what is worse is I grabbed them from the clean laundry basket, had I already worn them and not noticed?

As I put back on my jeans, I missed the leg hole and went through the gaping space between the legs.  Laughing to myself and wondering why that couldn't have happened two hours ago on my first attempt to get ready for work and no plan on what to do next, I exited the dressing room and immediately across was the girls section displaying a large selection of jeans.

I grabbed the biggest size they had and walked back over to the dressing room, and with a cautious glimmer of hope, slid the pants on.  While they were still nearly a foot too long (which was fixed by rolling the cuff), they fit just fine and in fact I quite liked the fit.  Finally a moment of cheer in my morning I quickly put back on my original pants and purchased them changing in the bathroom.

One hour late to work, I walked in and apologized but luckily my tale of what I had already experienced that morning seemed to be excuse enough. I learned a few things that morning-just how tired I really am, that my dog is a jerk and that my husband doesn't check out my butt in the morning.


  1. omg!! thank goodness you noticed it. I mean what if you walked into work??? ahh. that is tough.

  2. LOL! Glad Walmart had something. Like you, I am a Target girl myself!


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